Freed Thought #9 9:22 Saturday

Contrary to what I've posted a yesterday, sinabi kong ayoko at natatakot akong magmahal, o makaramdam ng kahit anong feeling na baka magbunga ng deeper affection sa tao. Pero there's this one guy na kaklase ko, I had a crush on him last year but it was only for 1-2 months. But now, there was something we needed to do and he's my partner. At first, I told myself, "Delikado 'to. Madali pa naman akong ma-attach." I became attentive. I tried to avoid him or avoid talking or even just noticing him. Kaso 'di talaga kaya. Wala eh, partner ko siya, so that means magkikita at magkikita pa rin kami. Then I started feeling...jealousy. At doon na ako kinabahan, I wished and wished that sana it wouldn't develop into something deeper. Na sana, hanggang sa surface lang ako ng tubig at hindi na ako magkaroon ng lakas ng loob na sumisid.

Something happened kanina and that's the first time I noticed that I was feeling a tinge of jealousy.

There's a program, magkalapit lang upuan namin. Kasama niya tropa niya, kasama ko friends ko. Naa-out of place ako sa mga kasama ko kaya I started distracting myself and played a game kung saan adik na adik ang marami. Wordscape. Time flew, malapit ng matapos yung program, I noticed na tumayo na siya at yung tropa niya. Pinuntahan nila yung kaklase kong babae na kasama sa barkada nila. Doon lang sila nakatambay at nag-uusap usap sila. He looked happy and kept on laughing and smiling. Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya at bigla akong nakaramdam ng irita. So I stopped looking at him. The program ended. And I left there with something I told myself to always bear in mind: avoid him.