Amethyst Chronicles

Contrary to what I've posted a yesterday, sinabi kong ayoko at natatakot akong magmahal, o makaramdam ng kahit anong feeling na baka magbunga ng deeper affection sa tao. Pero there's this one guy na kaklase ko, I had a crush on him last year but it was only for 1-2 months. But now, there was something we needed to do and he's my partner. At first, I told myself, "Delikado 'to. Madali pa naman akong ma-attach." I became attentive. I tried to avoid him or avoid talking or even just noticing him. Kaso 'di talaga kaya. Wala eh, partner ko siya, so that means magkikita at magkikita pa rin kami. Then I started feeling... jealousy .  At doon na ako kinabahan, I wished and wished that sana it wouldn't develop into something deeper. Na sana, hanggang sa surface lang ako ng tubig at hindi na ako magkaroon ng lakas ng loob na sumisid. Something happened kanina and that's the first time I noticed that I was feeling a tinge of jealousy. There's a progra...

I recently realized that there are two things I'm terrified of the most. First, death . Second, love . I'm scared of it in a sense of "not really, but I really do." I am terrified of both because of one reason: I don't know when or where it will happen.  Natatakot akong sa oras na mamatay ako, wala na akong patutunguhan, dahil hindi ko alam ang mangyayari sa akin kapag nawala na ako sa mundo. Natatakot akong sa oras na mahulog ako at magmahal, hindi ko alam ang dapat na gawin kaya masasaktan ako sa huli. Natatakot ako dahil ayokong maging tanga sa pag-ibig. Ayokong masaktan.

I wished a moment ago. And I said... "I wish, that someday, someone will think about me and say, 'If it's for her, then everything's worth it.'"

School started and it's going easily. Alam kong later on ay mahihirapan na ako at doon ako kinakabahan. These past few days, sumusumpong na naman ang anxiety   ko. Bigla na lang akong may maiisip na magpapalungkot sa akin at doon ko na mararamdaman na naiiyak ako. But my situation's worse, I guess. How? Well... Kapag sinusumpong kasi ako, syempre nalulungkot ako at naiiyak. Pero the problem is... hindi ako makaiyak. I don't know. I'm breaking down mentally pero ayaw lumabas ng mga luha ko. It's like nakalock ako sa isang dungeon at nagwawala ako at naglulupasay, pero kapag tumingin ka sa labas ng kulungan, hindi mo pansin na may nalulungkot na pala sa loob. Para akong nakakulong sa isang box na may lock at walang susi kaya hindi ako makalabas. Kaya nga tuwang-tuwa ako kapag naiiyak ako at may luhang lumalabas. Kasi mas magaan sa pakiramdam. Na nailalabas mo 'yung sakit. Hindi 'yung naiiyak ka pero ni isang patak ng luha walang lumalabas. This anxiety...

The familiar feeling of loneliness existed again. And it is slowly pulling and breaking me down until I crash to my limit. -J.M.R.

These past few days, I've been stable. Hindi naman ako masyadong nalulungkot. I'm standing along the line between happiness and sadness. It's more like my emotion's neutral. Minsan sumasaya ako dahil sa binabasa ko. I recently figured out that I have a thing for stories having a genre between or a mix of: Fantasy, Paranormal, Horror, Action, and a sprinkle of Romance. Sometimes I wish that I have my own private writer or author, so somehow he/she could write any story that I would like to read. Love, even. There's 10 things I mainly want to do in my lifetime. One,  sleep. Two, eat. Three, read. Four, spend my life on the road, travelling to anywhere, everywhere . Five, drink hot choco. Six, swim in spectacular beaches. Seven, read. Eight,  write stories. Nine, collect millions and millions of books that I'd love to read. And the best being the last, or vice versa, ten, to read amazing stories that will catch me off-guard. Oh, I already said that tons of times di...